Relationships are SO complex. Just when you think it’s clear skies ahead, lo and behold a storm is brewing. Relationships are like the weather. Unpredictable, yet, we can predict with relative accuracy that the month of August will be hot and sticky (somewhere in the USA). January will likely require a light sweater, at minimum. However, forecasts get less accurate the further out you go. Sure, we can put away our summer clothes come October, but what if there is a heatwave? And should I keep spare raincoat in the car in case it rains? Will today be gusty and clear, or dreary and gray? Nuances such as these can be relatively insignificant, unless, say you are planning an outdoor wedding and the centerpieces melt into puddles due to extreme heat, or choosing whether or not to walk home from work without a rain coat and get hit with a sudden downpour, ruining your brand new suede purse. Being unprepared can throw off even the best laid plans. But you also don’t want to be bogged down by carrying around a jacket you won’t end up wearing.
Just like relationships. You go into them with good intentions, with a pretty clear forecast in mind. But over time, we get hurt so we are less sunny. Eventually you find someone to settle down with after many dates, you meet the parents, you get engaged, buy a home, and have a baby. Nothing will go wrong right? Very few go into a marriage and kids preparing for a divorce, foreclosing on a home, having a sick child. Even the best predictions can come with a range of surprises and how you choose to prepare and deal can make or break your marriage.
Here are 6 tips on how to prepare for any kind of weather without carrying around an extra coat:
Set Realistic Expectations: Anytime you believe that your relationship should only have sunny days, year-round, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and resentful. If you came in with a mind set of “sun will always shine”, then you are likely to be upset and unprepared when the inevitable cloudy day comes. Let’s get real. You aren’t always going to feel chipper towards your spouse. You won’t always agree, so if you want to avoid resentment, best to adjust your expectations and change your mindset. Your mindset is extremely important- whatever narrative you tell yourself will set the tone for your marriage, so make sure you understand what thoughts, beliefs, history is driving yours.
Get to know your Spouse’s Climate: Odds are, your spouse isn’t going to change significantly. Sure, they may go through many phases, but in general, someone’s temperament and personality is pretty constant. Did you fall in love with your husband because he was always up for an adventure, rain or shine? Did you think that he’d be content visiting your parent’s lake cabin year after year? Are you surprised that he’s putting his foot down this year and demanding that you go on a cruise instead? Some of a marriages biggest fights are about trying to change your spouse to be more like you. People tend to pick partners who are different than themselves. And this is a good thing! Don’t try to change your spouse into your clone. Instead, get to know them by asking questions, being curious and learning to enjoy some of the activities they are into. At the very least, be willing to take turns visiting the snow vs sand. You will be rewarded for your open mind!
Have a Mission Statement: Take some time before tying the knot to get on the same page about why the hell you are getting married! This will be different for different couples. For example, “to start a family and have kids”, “to have an adventure partner,”. “For growth and development”, “For security”, “to please my parents”, etc. Ideally you are both upfront about what you are wanting and what your expectations are. That way, you have a greater understanding a bout what your partner stands for, and the more you know about each other, the better the odds are you can have each other’s back and support each other when the inevitable hurricane shows up...
Invest in your marriage: This one is a big one. You don’t live in a flood zone without flood insurance. Yet people tend to neglect working on their marriage until its already in ruins. It is way easier to upkeep a lawn if you work on it daily than tackling it once a year once everything is already gnarled and overgrown. Try going to a couples workshop, or get a mentor your trust and respect. Make sure you stick to that weekly date night, or put that trip on the calendar. Its easy to look back and wonder where things went wrong. Its a lot harder to be consistently putting savings in the jar, yet ultimately much more rewarding in the long run, especially when that tornado twirls through town.
Damage Control: Because you can’t predict how you will react to EVERYTHING, it’s crucial to learn the skill of repairing. How the aftermath of a hurricane is dealt with will set the tone for how much the folks will thrive. Learn how to repair any ruptures to your bond after conflict. You will fight. Often. Especially when you have a newborn who’s been up night after night for weeks and a mother in law who just happens to be “in the neighborhood” at the most inconvenient times. This is the times when you will want to kick your partner to the curb. It’s easy to take out our stressors on our “perceived threat”- our spouse, when in actuality, the threat is coming from within. Our own unresolved wounds can rear their little heads when weak or vulnerable. Therefore its essential to work on taking ownership for your part in the conflict and watch the projections.
Take Responsibility: Don’t be a supporting actor in your own life. Don’t rely on your spouse to remind you to bring an umbrella. Don’t blame your spouse when you forget and your hair gets ruined. The most powerful couples are those that are willing to show up 100% in the marriage. That means owning up to your mistakes and looking at how you can improve the situation. Speak up when you are hurt or wanting something. Don’t expect your spouse to be your mom or dad. Instead, ask them to hold you if you are feeling down. Share your deep feelings, even if it will be upsetting to them. Commit to a higher standard for yourself and your spouse will surely step up. Make it a habit of tracking weather patterns so you ultimately can be the best coupologist and protect your relationship no matter how catastrophic that earthquake felt.
What about you? how do you prepare for changes in the weather?
