I used to have dinner ready for my then boyfriend when he came home every evening. Eating dinner was something we did together, a nightly ritual. My only request was that he gave me a time frame for when he would arrive so I could make sure things were hot and ready. However, time and again, the window of time would pass and I would be restlessly pacing in the kitchen, trying to finagle the oven temp to keep the food warm without compromising its integrity. Each time he’d come in the door late, say sorry and promise he wouldn’t be late. I soon expected it and started to resent cooking for him. I was afraid if I didn’t cook for him, he would leave me for someone who would. Until one day. I had leftovers from lunch and had them as a late snack. I wasn’t hungry. Once again, he was late coming home that evening. But this time, I did something unexpected. I put in my headphones and listened to a book on tape. I became so absorbed in it, I completely forgot about dinner. He came home and kissed my forehead, and inquired about dinner. I had a genuine look of surprise because I really did forget I was so into my book. He smiled and said how about I take care of it? From then on, things slowly started to become different. I filled my time with activities that brought me joy, and he seemed to come home on time more often, and started cooking more often. In short, he started to value me! Why? Because I valued me. Here are a few short tips:
Do something pleasurable for YOU, even if it is small. The more you enjoy yourself, the more others will enjoy you. It’s pretty simple. People are attracted to people that feel good. So I get that life requires doing things that aren’t very fun, like taking out the trash. Oh you don’t have time for pleasure? I disagree, you can find time each day to do something for yourself, even if its very small- like feeling the fresh air on your face when putting the trash can on the curb. Admiring your arm muscles as they lift the recycling bin.
Change your perspective. Don’t wait around for someone else to change. Somebody is late? You have two choices- be the victim, or get in the driver’s seat. 99% of the time we have a choice in how we handle situations “beyond our control”. The power of reframing your perspective to realize no matter what happens you have choice. For example, you can choose to wait until someone gets home and eat cold food because you value connection time and want to eat with your partner, or you can eat by yourself and take pleasure in the tasty food and relish your senses. Either way, choice is always yours.
Communicate your needs, even if that means a relationship ends. I wanted a committed marriage and kids. My partner was on the fence. I wasn’t getting any younger so I calmly told him that I was going to start making plans for transitioning out of cohabitation and our relationship. That I loved him so we could do this in a way that worked for both of us. During that time I felt a new surge of energy as I held my strong values above being with a specific person. He was attracted to my new sense standing for what I wanted/needed and not settling for less. He proposed within weeks and we now have a thriving marriage and a 10 month old baby. The key is that I was willing to leave him to ensure I could fulfill my desires, it wasn’t lip service, he could tell I meant it.
Individuate from your parents, or be willing to at the very least. Yep, you can be in your 30s and still be attached through the umbilical chord. If you are still living in emotional baggage (or financially hooked), then you will undoubtedly play those patterns out in your relationships. Personally, I believe that individuation is a lifetime journey that can be done in relationship since that’s where the original ruptures occurred. But there has to be a certain degree of personal ownership before you enter a partnership or you can get swallowed up by your unconscious patterns, defenses and strategies and end up in an unattractive blame game. A mature, person of value has the fortitude to acknowledge that they are carrying around shit from their past. They realize that it does not define who they are, yet they are secure enough to own up to their shit and not let it bring them into permanent victim status. Take time to learn about yourself and notice where you turn into a child. Awareness is the first and biggest step!
Get comfortable with the unknown. This is a big one. Because most of life is a big ?. So would you rather be the type of person that can hang out there or the one that needs to know right now. I can assure you that a person who can relax into the unknown is infinitely more attractive than the one who is pushing for answers now because they are too anxious within themselves. Take baby steps like venturing to a popular restaurant alone on a Friday night, don’t check your phone for 8 hours, don’t google an answer to a burning question. When I watch my son try to take steps I often hold my breath, anticipating a fall. Instead of running for him I try and wait, and trust that if he falls he’ll be okay.
Trust in your “No”. Saying no to things that you don’t really want or need will open up more space for the things you do really want. We often say yes out of fear that we may miss out and never get the chance to have this opportunity again. Becoming a parent has helped me a lot with this, as I don’t have time for a lot of extras. At first the FOMO was real. My body would literally go back and forth for days before I could reply “No” to an invitation. I was also getting a lot of coaching inquiries when I did not have space to take on new clients. I was afraid if I turned them down, I would lose the opportunity to work as a coach and shrivel up into nothing! However, I send no and was able to heal from giving birth, attend to my child, and finish my Level 2 coaching program. Ultimately, I made the right choice because my marriage was stronger, I more rested, and was able to build upon connections I already had. Not too mention, I don’t regret for a minute those precious months I got to spend with my newborn.
