Oh dear, here I go again, using the smiley emojis, placing my hand on my heart, the signature “awww” sigh. “Why am I doing this,” I think to myself as I roll my eyes internally (insert eye roll emoji). Why can’t I say instead, “I feel unmoved by your story, and frankly bored out of my mind and resentful because I lost 15 minutes of time listening to you whine about the same old shit.”
Why? Because of guilt. I was raised to think if I didn’t values others time more than myself, then I was doing something wrong. The familiar heat rises in my belly, and the simultaneous instinct to stuff the physical sensations back down, “Get back in your place, how dare you think you can be honest.”
If I was to be honest with the person, then I may lose the family that provided such a deep sense of belonging. I may lose the friends that had my back since grade school. Not worth the risk. Better to keep quiet and pretend I care, so I can stay safe.
Yikes. I’m tired of living in fear of loss, thinking that my values aren’t as worthy as others needs. So what to do about it? Here are a few tips to take back your power and stop lying about how you really feel:
1. Learn How to Interrupt: Next time Sally starts talking and you feel yourself glaze over, why not call a time out? “Hey Sally, Can I interrupt you?”
2. Validate: “I get it, your Mom constantly barges into your room, make sense that a boundary violation would be annoying.”
3. Share Impact: After you interrupt, share how her words have impacted you, starting by repeating what she did that had an impact, “When you share the story about your Mom for the 15th time, I notice I feel bored and start losing interest, does this make sense?”
4. Learn to Ask for What you Need: If you don’t feel comfortable sharing impact, another tactic is to say, “Hey Sally, I have about 5 minutes of listening capacity right now, I have a lot on my plate and would love to hear your story, so please give me the shortened version so I can have time to totally hear you.” Another thing to say is “Hey Sally, I want to hear you but I really don’t have time now, can we talk about this after work?”
5. Offer a Challenge and Support: Give it to her straight, “Hey Sally, I’ve noticed you seem to tell the same story about your Mom- what you are planning to do about it? Sounds like a change needs to happen. How can I support you?”
Next time you are feeling trapped in a conversation, try some of these tips and see how it goes! If all else fails, it may be time to ask yourself why you continue to engage with a person who prefers to monologue with themselves?
