Here are a few tips for navigating relationships while stuck in tight quarters the next few weeks:
1. Get Clear About Your “Why”...why are you in a relationship? Knowing the purpose of your partnership is essential in times of crisis. Take some time to get on the same page with your significant other about the reasons you are choosing to be together, whether it be for friendship, children, growth, whatever. You’d be surprised how many couples do not have a solid answer to this. This will be important when the sound of him eating soup makes you want to sign divorce papers.
2. Take Time Outs...Conflict will happen over the next few weeks, it’s actually super healthy. However, you must know when to call a time out if you are heading into hot waters. The key to a healthy time out is to always always always have a “return time”. Say, “I need 30 minutes to cool off, can we check back in then?”. If you check in and you are still too triggered to engage in healthy conflict, then repeat the process, “I need the rest of the night to chill, can we pick back up tomorrow at noon?”. The reason why this is essential is because it provides a boundary in which your partner can rely on. If you just said “I need the night off” without giving a return time, then your partner may be left feeling anxious and unsafe.
3. Speak in “I” Statements...This one is easy to understand but hard to do when you have done it the other way so long. Example, which would you rather hear from your partner? “You attacked me” or “I felt attacked when you told me to put my clothes in the hamper”. The person on the receiving end of your statement will feel much more open to hearing you out if you don’t start off with the blaming accusations.
4. Validate Each Other...This is different from AGREEING with your partner. I repeat, you do not have to agree with your partner in order to validate them. In fact, the times they need to be validated the most will likely be times you DON’T agree. This is about getting their world and understanding their experience. Back to previous example. You were likely just telling your partner to pick up after themselves matter of factually, because you want to do laundry and have it all in one place, yet they feel more easily criticized during quarantine because they thrive on the freedom to come and go as they please, now they feel nit picked and trapped. Nobody is right or wrong, just try and understand what its like to be the other person. Take turns hearing the other before you jump into defense.
5. Be Curious ...Learn about your partner. Take this time to learn something new about them, humans are endlessly fascinating! Play a game of touch each other the way that feels good to the toucher. Or write a few questions and drop them into a hat and take turns answering. Give each other massages.
6. Don’t Take It Personal...This is a biggie, most things that your partner says and does are not about you. They are a complex human that came from a different worldview than your own. They are likely not maliciously out to get you. Remember that and you will suffer way less. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
7. Take Feedback...At the same time, if you constantly are getting the same feedback from life, and criticisms, then there is a high likelihood you have a behavior that is probably not received well by your friends and lovers. The general rule is if 3 or more close friends/family have a similar opinion about you, then you probably got some work to do around that particular behavior.
8. Finally, have fun! Couples that have fun, relaxed connection last WAY longer than those who struggle to laugh. Play time is key, whether it be tickle parties, watching a funny show, or doing something sexy...Whatever it is, remember that you can have fun AND still be concerned, responsible, and considerate.
9. Single? Please find ways to virtually connect with someone. It’s imperative for your health. Eye contact can bring about a sense of safety, so use that face time or even watch you tube videos at the very least. Become a parent to your voice of fear and doubt. Comfort yourself as you would a small child. Do this before you start reaching out to ex’s and don’t call lists.
10. Last but not least, take a deep breath, and let it out. Rinse repeat, stimulating the vagus nerve which will induce relaxation. Other ways to do this are humming, singing, and chanting, to name a few ;)
