Why We Need Shame

Shame is vital. Shame is an empowering emotion that can help restore healthy integrity and authenticity. I don’t think someone can know themselves if they don’t know how to befriend and utilize appropriate shame. True authentic shame can moderate ones behaviors so they can respond more authentically. For example, instead of not eating fast food bc it’s been taught by society that it’s crap food and junky, a person can choose not to eat fast food bc they recognize the feeling of “shame” that arises as they are about to walk into the door, and it reminds them that they’d feel better if they nourished their body with a home cooked meal. 

Problem is, and the comments on this post confirm, that some people associate shame with the outside sources that taught them that shame is bad and blame, and that “something is wrong with me.”

So wrong. Shame can help a person discern what their own authentic moral code is- help them to think twice before engaging in detrimental behaviors, avoiding toxic relationships, think twice before speaking, and make more empathic decisions (to name a few).

Shame is my friend. I wouldn’t be where I am today without learning how to feel it and identify the source- internal or external, and reestablish authentic authority and responsibility for my actions. 

Distinction (my experience)—

Toxic shame (external): “shame on you”. Resulting feelings: guilt written, tramped, weak, worthless, closed off (permanent). Continues behavior bc it doesn’t matter anyway. 

Resulting feelings: stuckness. Feelings will stay put and feel heavy. Worldview will get small.

Authentic shame (internal): “I feel a burning sensation in my face (temporary)when I feel the urge to laugh at someone who trips and falls.” Instead of laughing, I decide to go over to them and ask if they are okay. 

Resulting feelings: contentment, feels at peace and expanded in worldview, experiences fluidity in emotions. Loses interest in unhealthy activities.