Why I chose Monogomy
I choose to be monogamous in my marriage not because I have to, but because I want to. I have free will, and know that if circumstances were to change, I could discuss them openly with my husband. I don’t think a lot of couples actually consciously choose monogamy- they often don’t consider that they have a choice in the matter. This is where the problem lies - expectations and lack of awareness. Full disclosure, I cheated on my husband before we got married. Painful as those years that followed were, I’m grateful that the cheating woke us up to the purpose of our relationship and explore “the dark aspects” of our humanity early on, so we can love more fully.
It’s like making a New Years resolution to go to the gym 5 days a week because I paid for a lifetime membership upfront. “I vow to go to the gym 5 days a week, and I mean it!” Of course at the time it feels sincere to make this commitment but turns out I still like hiking and playing soccer outside with friends, and not too mention as time goes by a few slips here and there, get sick, go on vacation. Eventually, it gets easier to skip weeks at a time and then wonder why I’m not in shape. Or I get tired of working out only indoors. Or I get a better deal, more amenities if I switch gyms.
This is where I think intention and honesty with oneself and partner is important. I value a healthy body, it doesn’t matter if I have a gym membership or not, I’m going to make sure I take care of myself. The gym membership serves as a container, but it’s not going to get me in shape unless I show up and do my part. I also realize that I made an investment to be a member of this gym, so I’m going to utilize it.
However, what if the gym starts taking away parts of the agreement ? Say, instead of being open 24 hours now I can only go from 8am-6pm, Monday through Friday. Or machines are broken and never fixed, or the locker room is consistently soiled with old towels and sweaty socks. The allure to cancel my membership would grow increasingly strong as the weeks go by and I probably would start noticing what’s not working more often than what is.
People, circumstances, and things change. Maybe the challenge is to redefine what commitment is. I’m committed to my husband and have no intention to cheat. He feels the same. However, I can’t say for certain that we are going to be together/monogamous forever. We are committed to telling the truth - if someday I develop feelings for someone else- I’m going to come to him and tell him, and am committed to the process of unpacking the underlying reasons. I honor and respect him as a person to communicate that I haven’t been showing up fully to the relationship. Or that I have no idea why/how I’ve become attracted to someone else, when things are so seemingly solid between us.
That is the kind of monogamy I’m into. Knowing that we have a fluid line of communication, I can absolutely trust that if something came up, it would be discussed openly, however painful and long the process may be.
My husband has communicated to me that because I’m honest with him and he feels safe enough to tell me anything, am open minded to the fact that attraction to others may happen, and that we don’t know what the future holds so not setting ultimatums around fidelity, is what actually inspires him and keeps him choosing to deepen into our relationship, even though there are countless gorgeous people out there to be lured by. He feels he has a choice to be monogamous, and because it’s a choice, we both are empowered, not burdened.
